Mother Lover

by cstone412cs

image

I have an 8 year old girl and I just started all over with my new baby who is going to be one this month. I was 21 when I got pregnant and just turned 22 when I had my first. I didn’t get it back then. I didn’t want to get it-that being a mother meant it wasn’t about me anymore. I still wanted and needed way too much attention. I have some really bad guilt over things I did, things I didn’t do, how things ended up, etc. I was a SAHM for the first year with my first daughter. Then when she was around 16 months me and her dad had a huge falling out and he kicked me out… he kicked me out and I had no where to go and so I couldn’t take my baby with me. That’s another post for another day though. We ended up getting back together about a  year later and breaking up again many more times.

I look at my new baby and wonder how awful it was for me to be ripped out of my baby’s life like that. Anyway, I cherish every moment. Having two kids that are two totally different ages is fun and challenging. When the baby sleeps the 8 year old wants to play and I just want to relax! I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Here are some things that “Motherhood” means to me and for me-

~Wearing stuff on my face that aren’t related to beauty- my baby loves to slap the spoon when I am feeding her. I get yogurt and many other things on my face, in my mouth, in my hair etc. She also likes to wipe her mouth on my black/dark clothes.

~Hourly and Nightly wake up calls – One reason I don’t blog too much is because I have a very active and hands on baby. She wants to be held all the time. She doesn’t nap. She doesn’t sleep in her crib. She only sleeps 2-3 hours at a time before waking up and wanting to be help or just see who is awake and what is going on. And my 8 year old and baby share a room. The 8 year old wakes her up sometimes when she goes in the room. She then plays with her and gets her all exited. Then my 8 year old leaves her with me and goes and falls asleep while I’m barely staying awake.

~Spending all your money on someone who could careless about what they look like- This is my biggest issue right now with the 8yr old. I literally spend my last dollars on outfits for her that I think she will love. She looks at me like I have 3 heads and says she hates it. OR- she wants to go to school looking like a hot mess and when I get on her case she gets mad. She doesn’t want to brush her teeth or hair but will put lipstick on.

~Hoping that I’ll be the cool mom but that she’ll still listen to me- My Mom was pretty cool for the most part. I want to be one of those Mom’s that my kid feels like they can tell me anything but yet respects me and fears me enough to not do anything stupid.

~Finally appreciating what my Mom did- For so many years from teens thru twenties me and my Mom just butted heads about everything. She was a single mom from the time I was about 6 months old and she worked her ass off to provide for me until I was 18. She always thinks she is right and looking back she usually was.

~Looking forward to grocery shopping- Not only do I look forward to grocery shopping but I look forward to grocery shopping by myself. Going with two kids is a nightmare…

~I accept that my house is a mess and it’s not even worth cleaning for the next 5 years (while the baby is a young) because everyone just shits it up anyway! I would rather spend the time playing with the kids and making a mess than I would missing out on their childhood because I feel the need to houseclean. The house cleaning can wait- their childhood doesn’t. That was one of the best tips I got at my baby shower.

~Never peeing (among other things) alone again-My older one still comes in and stands there talking to me while I go to the bathroom. It doesn’t really phase me but when I just want to eat a candy bar alone in peace she finds me.. then she asks why I’m eating in the bathroom. LOL

~Loving them more than you ever thought possible- when I was pregnant with my 2nd I used to think- how will I ever love this one as much as I love my oldest? It’s not possible I thought. It is. I love both of them more and more everyday.

 

~Hoping that if I die/when I do, they will take care of each other- I don’t have any siblings. I am an only child and only grandchild. It’s VERY lonely. It sucks. If my Mom dies I will have no one to ‘take care’ of me. I always knew I wanted at least 2 kids. I want to know that after I am gone they can look after each other.

 

 

~Giving them all I have to offer- I hope that it’s enough and I hope that they know that I love them and will do anything for them.

~Hoping that don’t make the same mistakes as me and can have the best life possible- I literally lay awake in fear every night. I know my 8 year old will probably be ok. But I worry so much about the baby. I have my reasons but I just want the best for them. I vow to do everything I can do make things possible for them but I’m still scared that it won’t be enough.

~Knowing that this is what I was put here to do- my whole life I have kind of felt like a screw up. I never finish anything. I never graduated college. I never felt quite right in any ‘career’ path. But there’s just something that feels right about  me  being a Mom. It comes natural to me. Maybe because I’m just a big kid.

image

 Motherhood is the single most happy, joyful, fun, exciting, scary, and most rewarding thing I have ever done. Every moment is filled with new memories. I’m not sure how many of my readers actually have children but if you do you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t then I hope someday you have the pleasure of having your own baby.

Happy Mother’s Day (A little late) to all the Mother’s, Aunts, Friends, etc. out there who in some way have been a mothering figure to someone or some fur-baby!

 

Advertisements